The Nature Connection

I have a strong connection with nature. It started when I was a child. Before the advent of social media, living in a rural area meant there was little to do except chores or TV. When nothing interesting was on any of the 3 channels, or if the TV was broken, I had to create my own entertainment. Through the years, there were always animals to play with. At various times, my family had horses, sheep, cows, chickens, ducks, geese, and typical pets like cats, dogs, and cockatiels. Then there was the garden that needed work, and nearly 40 acres of land to wander around. Since nobody my age lived within five miles of us, if I wanted to socialize, my parents had to take me, or I’d have to walk. Neither happened frequently. My life was bound to school, church, or home. Turning 16 was liberating, because that’s when I could drive wherever I wanted to go. Not that I went very far or very often.

I dearly loved my family but my home held a heavy energy. I didn’t understand that at the time, but I do now. My parents were both raised in alcoholic homes, and found it difficult to see life as anything but an ongoing struggle. They carried this attitude into their marriage and into their childrearing. We didn’t have a name for it then, but we do now: generational trauma. In my family’s case, it carried the energy of inferiority, unworthiness, and general dissatisfaction with life. I was reared with it, so I acclimated to the constant pessimism and fatalism. Quite honestly, I was swimming in it. I had no clue there could be any other way to think or be, and yet, something inside me refused to surrender to it.

I had lots of headaches and felt icky most of the time. To get some relief, I’d spend hours outside walking around, playing with animals, daydreaming, talking to God, and just breathing in the humid air and unique smells of a working farm. At the time, I didn’t realize I was also aligning my energies with Mother Earth, Grandfather Sun, and Father Sky. The outdoors was my sanity and my escape from the heaviness inside the home.

I couldn’t begin to count the number of times I sought refuge with my favorite horse: a silver-grey spotted half-quarter horse named Brimstone, or Brimy for short. I would spend hours in the field talking to her about my hopes and dreams while swatting away the horseflies constantly biting her flanks. In many ways, she was my best friend. I miss her still.

Nature was healing. It still is. When I’m outside I can feel Sun, Wind, and Sky washing away all the stuff that doesn’t serve my best interests. If that’s not enough, I’ll call on them to scrub me clean. Grandfather Sun is particularly well suited for the task. I’ll envision my chakra—energy centers that flow through the body—and invite Sun to flow through each of them, burning away everything that is wearing me down, stressing me out, or burdening me. This isn’t knowledge I possessed as a child. It emerged through my meditations about 5 or 6 years ago. It could have changed my life back then, but I know everything reveals itself in its proper time.

Since leaving my parent’s home in the country, I discovered the truth of the saying, “You can take a girl out of the country but you can’t take the country out of the girl.” City life felt like prison to me. I needed the full light of the sun, moon, and stars, the wide open spaces where I could talk out loud and no one but Spirit would hear me. I found ways to create a facsimile of freedom by taking long walks, but it was 13 years before I could return to rural life. My Brooklyn-reared husband and I eventually settled on a small farm in the country. We’ve been there ever since.

In the years after losing my faith in the Christian concept of God, I struggled to make sense of life, spirit, purpose, faith, and everything else. The back field was still my spiritual refuge, despite its association with all those theological discussions I had with God. I just changed who I was talking to. Instead of the Christian God, I talked to my dogs and any unknown Deity who might be listening. As I think back on that time, I realize I had returned to my beginnings. Just like my 9-year-old self, I reached out into the nothingness and encountered All That Is.

I still wanted to write. Writing has always been an integral part of my identity, but after giving myself wholeheartedly to the Christian God and its scripture, only to discover its deceptions, I lacked confidence. If I could be so completely deceived, then how could I ever trust anything ever again? Although I did write a small book about my spiritual evolution, called “In Search of Authenticity,” I ultimately decided to write fiction instead. Historical fiction. For reasons I’ll never completely understand, I became obsessed with the Indus Valley. It was a technologically advanced civilization in Pakistan that was on par with Egypt and Sumer during the 3,000s BCE. During the course of my research, I came to believe that they practiced some type of shamanic religion. I was unfamiliar with shamanism, and I wanted to create an authentic shamanic character, so I signed up for a shamanic workshop with the Foundation for Shamanic Studies.

The experience was amazing. I discovered a type of spirituality that emphasized personal connection with the Spirit. Instead of relying upon human intercessors or sacred texts, I could interact and talk with the Spirit realm myself. This changed everything I knew about spirituality. The deeper I dove into shamanism, the more I understood my connection with nature. Everything is alive and conscious because everything is Source. Source is the conscious energy that creates All That Is. When I’m outside feeling Sun’s rays on my face, Wind brushing against my body, Earth tugging down, and Waters moisturizing my skin, I am feeling Source in the form of different energies. Each type of energy has a level of individuality, but ultimately, everything is part of the One Source.

In the outdoors, I can sense their presence, and feel their healing. The Elementals (Fire, Water, Air, and Minerals) became my teacher. From Grandfather Sun (Fire), I learned about unconditional love, confidence in simply being, and the power of knowing oneself as Divine. From Water, I learned how to be in the here and now, and how existence is an ongoing cycle of entering into a form, experiencing it, and exiting. From Father Sky (Air), I learned about manifestation. As I breathe in oxygen that feeds my body, I breath out carbon dioxide that feeds the earth. In this ongoing cycle, as blessings come in, blessings go out, whether its oxygen or the words I speak. From Mother Earth (Minerals), I learned the importance of being grounded, taking care of oneself, and staying balanced. By calling upon each of the Elements to activate and charge my energy centers, their strengths become my own. This is the power of Oneness with nature.

I have to admit, though, that Fire and Water were the most healing forces. As I called upon Fire to burn away the chaff in my life—the insecurities, fears, regrets, and so much more—and called upon Water to sooth and rejuvenate what remained, like the Phoenix, I was reborn. I discovered the most heartbreaking traumas are buried the deepest. With the upper layers of chaff burned away, Spirit revealed the deepest wound of all—a festering wound created from 30 years of utter devotion to the biblical God: God’s love was anything but unconditional. If I wanted God to love me, I had to earn it, whether that meant believing in a specific creed, or following a specific path.

I got it. I understood it. I recognized how this belief influenced my entire life. Now it was time to release it; to let Grandfather burn it away, and Water soothe the ache until it was gone. And just like that, the constant need to please others and earn their approval, to validate my worth, was erased like it never existed.

In that moment of perfect clarity (another gift of Grandfather Sun), I realized all I could do was accept his unconditional blessings and offer gratitude in return. That is exactly what I did. My life changed in that moment. I connected with Grandfather Sun in a new and intimate way that surpassed all my hopes and expectations.

Grandfather Sun became my illustration of unconditional love: giving without expectation of anything in return. I didn’t have to adhere to any particular beliefs or do anything, and Sun would still shine on me and send his heat. Nothing I did would lose his favor, or cause him to turn me away to dwell in darkness and gnashing of teeth. Grandfather’s love was and is eternal.

I was freed me from a cage created by everyone else’s expectations. From this day onward, the only boundaries or limitations on me would be those I chose for myself. My individuality and uniqueness would no longer be defined by religion, society, or ancient ideas of what should or should not be. I could now choose who I wanted to be and how I wanted to live. The liberating effect of unconditional love was staggering.

I was free to be authentically me.